Wet Asphalt Election Guide & Drinking Game
Here's a quick run down for the important national races to keep an eye on tomorrow, and a drinking game that should put you in just the right mood for the ultimate outcome, whatever it might be:
Drinking Game, every time one of the following states is called for Romney do a shot
Massachusetts (safe for Obama, but it's Romney's home state so do a shot in celebration of his embarrassment at losing it)
The more of those states Romney wins, the more likely it is that he will be president. Hence, get good and hammered if he's pulling ahead.
Control of the Senate turns on the following seats
Arizona: Carmona v. Flake
Every time the news people mention that Flake is Mormon like Romney or the importance of the Phoenix Suburbs, take a drink. Every mention of Carmona as "1st Latino" "Surgeon General" or "Vietnam veteran" take a drink.
If Flake wins do a shot.
Indiana: Donnelly v. Mourdock
Every mention of Mourdock's "Rape is God's Will" gaff do a shot. Every mention of Donnelly as a "come from behind" in a state the GOP should have had locked down, chug a beer. Every time both come up in the same sentence, do both.
If Mourdock wins, do a shot and abandon all faith in humanity.
Missouri: McCaskill v. Akin
Every mention of "legitimate rape" comments by Akin, do a shot. Every mention of McCaskill helping Akin in the primary because he's such a buffoon that he was her best shot at reelection, laugh hysterically and do a shot.
If Akin wins, do a shot and swallow a birth control pill with it.
Montana: Tester v. Rehberg
Every time someone expresses surprise that Tester remains ahead, drink. If Rehberg wins do two shots and chug a beer.
Nevada: Heller v. Berkeley
If this race isn't decided by the time the Presidential race is called for the state, drink. If it isn't decided by the time the Presidential race is called for the country, do a shot.
If Heller wins, do a shot
Virginia: Kaine v. Whatever that other guys name is
Every time someone mentions the President's Coattails when talking about Tim Kaine take a drink. If anyone ever bothers to mention that coattails or no coattails, Kaine's clearly been ahead in the polls all year and the other guy should never have had a shot, do a shot.
If the Republican wins, do a shot
Wisconsin: Baldwin v. Thompson
Every time someone says "Tommy Thompson" drink. Every time someone notes that Thompson faced an uphill battle as a popular former governor, drink. Every time someone mentions the current Wisconsin Governor or Paul Ryan and claims they are doing Thompson any good in the senate race, drink.
If Thompson wins, do a shot.
You'd get too drunk on these if we went race by race so here are the general rules:
Every time someone says it looks like the dems have a chance at taking back the house, drink. ANy mention of Speaker Boehner staying in charge, drink. Any mention of Speaker Cantor, do a shot. When the news media announces that the republicans have kept a slim majority, do two shots. And if, on the outside chance that he was successful, Mudcat Saunders takes out Eric Cantor in Virginia, open a bottle of Champagne.
If Washington Oregon or Colorado legalize pot, do a shot. If two of them do, do a shot and start looking to move to Denver or Seattle. If all three of them do, do a shot and look forward to the next season of Portlandia.