Grand Old Party: No Faggots, No Cunts, No Niggers

Perhaps you've heard this story already about the Republican senate candidate in Pennsylvania comparing the rights of a rapist to those of the father of a fetus created via consensual sex out of wedlock.

It comes on the heels of this story about how Paul Ryan, the GOP nominee apparent for the Vice Presidency, thinks that rape is "just another method of conception."

That in turn follows on the ongoing baby mama drama started by Todd Akin, the Republican running for Claire McCAskill's Senate seat in Missouri. That story has now officially hit the "right wing backlash" leg of the news cycle, with supporters of Akin now coming out of the woodwork to include former Republican governor and Fox News personality Mike Huckabee and former Republican Senator and presidential also-ran Rick Santorum.

Remember now, this is the party that claims that they are really just all about smaller government and growing the economy.

Don't Cry for Me Arizona

I, like many of my fellow Arizonans, have become increasingly concerned about a serious problem in our state. More and more "people" are struggling with the twin problems of not knowing who they are or where they come from. The problem has grown to such epic proportions that many Arizonans now suspect that even non-Arizonans are suffering from the problem. Things have become so so bad that today when we walk down the street in Tucson, we are forced to wonder: if I asked this person passing me for their name and place of birth, would they be able to provide me with convincing proof that what they said was true?

The answer, all too often, is no.

Naturally, this lack of government issue identification that so many of us are suffering from is a source of serious anxiety for all of our fellow citizens. Certain half-measures have been proposed, of course, such as the current legislation demanding that people carry proof of citizenship and requiring presidential candidates to produce their birth certificates, but these, frankly, do not go far enough to quiet the anxieties of so many hard working Arizonans.

I propose a new approach to the issue that should completely eliminate the anxiety for all those who suffer from it. The solution? A simple motto that all Arizonans can adopt and display with pride: Will Have Identification To Examine, or WHITE for short.

The WHITE project is a simple plan to alleviate the anxiety of Arizonans concerned that other people around them don't have any Identification. Under my plan, all persons in the state with identification would be required to wear a button, t-shirt, or windbreaker at all times displaying the comforting phrase "Don't Worry, Arizona: WHITE person" to inform any and all passers by that they are WHITE and if asked will have identification to examine.